The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part III

  **Warning: This contains all the details of Sam's birth. If you do not want all the details, do not read this.**

  By the time I was told to start pushing I was so utterly exhausted from the back labor - which had decreased significantly after Sam turned his head, and then again when I started pushing - that I couldn't even hold up my legs. I was lying on my back and David and Crissi had to hold up my legs for me each time it was time to push, while I curled my chin into my chest. Shortly after beginning to push I had to throw up for the third time. I really don't know how I had anything left in me at that point, but poor Crissi had to hold the bowl for me while I was heaving on the bed.
  After a little bit of pushing, they rolled me over onto my left side to try pushing from that position. This was a little bit more frustrating for me, though, because then I had to curl my right leg up into my chest and this not only required lifting my leg (which I could not do) but also holding it to my chest (which I could not do). So after a little bit in that position they rolled me back over onto my back, which was much easier. After one particularly long contraction, I got very light-headed and told everyone that I might pass out. Kathleen suggested a spoonful of honey - which I don't like - but I tried it anyway. It was silly, but I was actually proud of myself in that moment for trying the honey that I knew I didn't like for me and the baby. Crissi was amazing and got a bunch of damp wash cloths that she put on my forehead and neck and would change out whenever they got warm again. (At, I think, Kathleen's suggestion, they were kept on an ice pack in between rounds.) Those damp washrags were immediately a huge relief. I just laid there, relishing a break between contractions and the rags.
  Somewhere in this time - sometime between 9:45 and 10am - my mom came in. She had made the 50-minute drive in 35 minutes. Things started to get foggy around that time but I do remember her coming in and coming to my bedside, taking Crissi's spot, and kissing my forehead.

  The pushing contractions were actually super easy for me to handle - pushing was just extremely difficult because of my body's exhaustion. I remember hating feeling a contraction coming on because I was just so tired at that point, but the pain was completely managable. In between contractions I would literally just completely collapse as soon as they were done. Crissi tried to offer to prop me up or adjust me a couple times because I was too tired to even position myself so that I wasn't falling off my pillows, but I didn't want her to because I just didn't care about it. I remember thinking at one point, with my head hanging off the left side of my pillows at an odd angle, this is mildly uncomfortable... but being too tired to do anything about it.
  Kathleen was also making Crissi make me drink in between contractions, which was so frustrating for me. Crissi and I actually laughed about it two weeks later. She apparently could tell how frustrated I was and hated having to ask me to take those drinks. I, in turn, hated having to drink - again simply because of my sheer exhaustion and not wanting to spend energy on anything in between contractions - but didn't put up a fight because I knew I had to be severely dehydrated by that point. I, again, did it only for Sam. While laughing about it with her, I told her though, "I think if I could have growled at you I would have!"

  As we got closer to the end, the pushing became SO hard. I was so incredibly spent. I actually hid two contractions because I just didn't want to push! I just laid there, trying to look relaxed while everyone talked around me, hoping that Kathleen wouldn't notice and make me push more. Ha!
  I was having trouble even tucking my chin to my chest so my Mom and David would push me forward with each contraction while pulling my legs up for me. Lisa would monitor Sam's heartbeat every few minutes, always saying that he sounded good. Everyone was so encouraging, telling me how great I was doing - and all I could think was, I'm sure they say the same thing to every woman in labor.
  With each push it became harder for me to hold my breath, so I ended up grunting a lot. David told me later that he was incredibly frustrated, remembering all of our coaching on remaining "open" and relaxed and envisioning myself "opening like a flower." I have told him I am thankful for his wisdom and ability to not say any of this in those moments.
  Finally, Kathleen said she could see Sam's head. Someone asked if I could see it and I just wanted to laugh - like I could see anything over my belly! Crissi offered to get a mirror, but as I was shaking my head I think Kathleen said there wasn't enough time anyway. She told David he'd better get down there quickly. With one last long push (that ended with a grunt turning into almost a scream), after an hour and ten minutes of pushing, at 10:48am Sam's head came out - followed immediately by his shoulder and the rest of his body. He was 8 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. She passed him to David, who laid him on my chest. He immediately started crying, and Kathleen said he had passed meconium in the sac during the delivery and suctioned out his mouth and nose.
  I just laid there, shaking and laughing and crying, saying hello to my beautiful son. He was so warm and wet and so much bigger than I thought he'd be! He was amazing. I laughed as he easily put his thumb in his mouth and wondered if he'd been doing that the whole time he was in the womb. I just couldn't believe how perfectly formed he was - and how much he looked like David. It was the most incredible high, lying with him there.
  After only about five minutes Kathleen announced that the cord had stopped pulsing and moved Sam so that my Mom could cut it. Then they wiped him off a little and put him back on my chest. Kathleen then said that it was time to deliver the placenta. The act of pushing it out was hard, but delivering it actually didn't hurt at all - it just felt warm and wet - until Lisa pushed down on my abdomen to help force it out. I noticed kind of through a fog that Kathleen looked concerned and she said something about my bleeding. Then she looked at me and said she wanted to give me a shot of Pitocin because I was bleeding too much. I asked - of all things - if it would hurt. She said it might sting a little; I honestly can't remember feeling it at all.
  All of the family came in then to see us. David's parents and sister had gotten there about fifteen to twenty minutes after my mom, and my Dad walked in the door as Sammy was crowning. Then Kathleen asked everyone to step out so they could clean us up.

  She then looked at me and said that I had torn (which explained the pain at delivery) and that she would need to stitch me up. After laboring, I barely felt the stitching. There was some slight stinging from the Lidocaine and I felt a little pulling here and there, but I was holding my baby and it didn't matter. She kept apologizing for hurting me and I kept saying I was fine. I asked her a little bit after she finished how big a tear it was and she said it was a partial third degree tear, with an additional first degree tear in another spot that she let heal on its own. She had to put in fourteen stitches.
  Then Kathleen fixed up an herbal bath for Sam and I to take together. It was hard sitting in the tub - all of my muscles hurt and I was pretty swollen - but it was such a sweet moment. I just held my little boy in the water and David sat beside the tub with us. After Sammy and I were cleaned and dried, the grandparents all came in again and got to hold him.

  All in all, it was not the birth I had expected - but I'm still glad that we had our home birth. The back labor was awful - but that was because our Bean had decided to be posterior the last week of his residency in Mommy. I have no doubts that if his head had been facing the right direction my labor would have been much easier. On a scale of 10, my pain was a 12; but 70-90% of it was all felt in my back. I think the contractions themselves would have been completely manageable otherwise.
  Additionally, I was apparently in transition - the most difficult and painful part of labor - most of the time. Dilating 6 cms in two and a half hours is very uncommon for a first labor. Everyone was shocked. I also think I would have been better able to handle the pain mentally had I known that's what was happening in my body. But after three months of false labor, followed by nearly a week of much stronger false labor, I don't at all blame Kathleen or Crissi for thinking that I was going to need more time and trying to go home to rest. (I am frustrated with myself for letting David sleep though - if I hadn't decided to try to manage it on my own it might have been easier, too.)
  The tear, for those who have asked/wondered/cringed, has actually been surprisingly manageable! Sitting was very uncomfortable for the first week, but a lot of that was swelling, too. My muscles were incredibly exhausted and sore from the entire labor. And while tearing had been one of mine and David's greatest fears in labor (based on some of the stories I had heard from friends), the most I have felt from it besides general mild irritation is itching now that it's healing. I have been exceedingly grateful that it hasn't bothered me in having to go to the bathroom at all and I haven't felt any severe pain from my tear.
  So for those who have or wanted to ask if I would do the same thing again the answer is: YES. Even though I was in such intense pain, I am grateful that I was in that pain in a safe and quiet environment. Had I gone to the hospital, I very likely would have been put on a Pitocin drip to expedite my progress (which would not have been necessary) because I didn't change for almost six hours, which would have made my pain even worse. I would have then had to have an epidural, which I didn't ever want. I also would have most likely  had to fight very hard to avoid the eye drops, immunizations, etc., which were not a part of my plan for my child. More than anything though, I would not have had the supportive birth team that I had. Kathleen, Crissi, Lisa, David and my Mom were an amazing support. I felt safe at all times, I felt encouraged at all times, I felt empowered even in my desperation because I had a group of people who were telling me I was doing amazingly well and that I could keep doing what I was doing. I was surrounded by peace and love and strength, and I - with tears in my eyes now - thank God for that. To be quite honest, I realize now what a blessing it was to not be rescued by medical intervention in my labor. It is incredible to know what I went through and to know that I can do that! And it is an additional blessing to have my husband know what I went through, and how hard it was, and to have him constantly encouraging and thanking me for doing that. And hopefully the next time, my child will not turn their head like Sammy did, since that was really the root of all my pain.

  It was hard - the hardest thing I hope to ever do in my life. But it was beyond worth it. And now, as I have begun to recover, I am exceedingly grateful that we had our homebirth and resting in the knowledge that everything happened exactly as God intended them to. And we could not be more grateful for the outcome.

The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part II

  **Warning: This contains all the details of Sam's birth. If you do not want all the details, do not read this.**

  So at around 5:30am, Kathleen and Crissi left us to try to rest. I called my mom for the second time (I had called her at 1:30am to let her know Kathleen was on her way and to be "on alert") and told her that  it was just early labor right now and we would call her again when that changed and she could head our way. David poured me some more wine and we turned off the lights and music and tried to sleep. Well, I tried to sleep. David passed out immediately.
  About thirty minutes after they left, my contractions got intense. As each one would hit, I would start moaning and David would wake up enough to push his fists into my lower back as hard as he could while we were both lying in bed. I was feeling at least 70% of each contraction in my back because of Sam's position. With each contraction I also felt more and more nausea because of the level of pain. I promptly threw up the wine I had tried to sip about ten minutes after Kathleen left. The pain became to awful, so incredibly, unbearably intense that I couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't relax, couldn't tense up, couldn't find anything or any position to make the pain manageable. It felt like it just kept building up and building up...
  Sometime around then (about 6am) I posted on facebook that I was in labor and begged prayers for Sam's head to turn. I remember several times praying between contractions, Please, God, just let this next contraction be less painful. Please, let  this next one not be as bad. Two or three times, God answered that prayer for me. The rest of the time was just dark pain. I had read stories of women going to this dark place in their labor, had heard women say that this could be a deeply spiritual place - but in those hours, I could not think through the pain at all. I just kept thinking in the in-between that if this is early labor, I can not handle active labor. I was terrified of the pain increasing; I couldn't fathom it.

  At 8am I handed David my phone and asked him to call Kathleen and, "Tell her I can't do it anymore." I thought that I was going to have to go to the hospital and have him cut out of me. I just could not handle the pain anymore. The only thing that had kept me from telling him to drive me to the hospital in those hours was the knowledge that if we went, I would absolutely not get to have the delivery I wanted, would not get my skin-to-skin contact, would have to fight them on not putting the eye drops in his eyes and not immunizing him. The timing of the contractions was irregular - sometimes three minutes apart and then five and then two - but I was at my limit. Plus, I noticed through the haze that all of my pelvic muscles were starting to push down and I couldn't really fight it. Kathleen suggested we go to my chiropractor and try to see if she could adjust me and turn his head and then we could go to the birthing center for an injection of pain medication. She said to call her if my water broke or I started to feel "pushy". I told her I had felt pushy for the last five contractions. At this point I started thinking of my Aunt Lynn, whom my mom had told me had felt the urge to push during her entire labor with all three of her pregnancies, and became even more afraid that I would suffer through this same experience. I was just lying in bed imagining how horrible labor would be stuck in a car, unable to change positions at all when Kathleen called back two minutes later. Apparently she had been on the phone with her assistant and realized "She sounded different!" She asked David if I was what she was hearing in the background. (It was right around this time that a contraction hit that was so hard that I practically levitated off the bed and onto all fours in an effort to find some position that didn't make me want to die.) When he said yes, she said she was on her way.
  Within ten to fifteen minutes of his getting off the phone again, I suddenly cried out - Sam had turned his head (which was incredibly painful). I feebly prayed that it was the right direction as another contraction hit. I would later go back through my text messages and facebook and realize that it was around 8am that most of my friends and family began responding to my request for prayer and started lifting us up.

  Kathleen arrived some time between 8:30 and 9am, saying she "flew" all the way to us. She immediately came in and turned on her Dopler to listen to Sam's heartbeat. She put it on my belly where he had been before...and then lowered it....and then lowered it some more before finding it. "Oh, that baby's dropped," she said. "We're having a baby!" She then set up the bed to check my cervix; this was the moment I had been dreading. I was sure she would tell us I was only 5-6cms and I didn't know how I would be able to handle that news. Praise God, I didn't have to. Kathleen looked up at me with a shocked smile and said, "Holy cow, girl! You're at 9[cms]!" I had dilated 6cms in just over two hours; David and I had gone through all of active and transitional labor by ourselves (with him trying to sleep through it!) and now it was time to push!
  I looked over at David and told him he needed to call my mom. I still smile remembering David telling her I was at 9cms and hearing my mom shout, "Why didn't you call me?!" through the phone. David tried to explain that we hadn't known! I then told him he should call his parents too and tell them to head over, since things were progressing so quickly. I remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, God will have here whoever is supposed to be here, even though my plan was to have both of my parents in our room for the delivery.
  Sometime shortly after this, Crissi walked in - oh, thank God for Crissi. And shortly after that - I think around 9:30 - Kathleen's assistant, Lisa, arrived in a rush. And then it was time to push.

The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part I

  *Warning: all of the birth details are in this blog. If you don't want all of the details, don't read this.**

  Let me preface all of this by saying, for those who don't know about our little miracle, that one year ago David and I were told that we would not be able to get pregnant on our own. It had been a year and a half since my surgery which diagnosed me with Endometriosis, I had just switched OB/GYN's, and my new doctor shocked me with the news that my Endo was stage 4 - something my previous OB/GYN and surgeon had neglected to tell me. We were told that it was "too dangerous" for me to go off of my birth control because the hormones were needed to try to keep the Endo at bay. We were also concerned that David might have some issues, and so we were advised to go first to a specialist for David and then for me to see an infertility specialist before we even considered "trying."
  We did go see the doctor for David in October, who, after an initial test and exam, wanted to perform a $450 test to see if there were any issues.
  Around the end of the month, "coincidentally", in our new homegroup, the ladies laid hands on me and prayed for my body - not that we would be able to have a baby, but simply that "every cell in [my] body would be aligned with the perfect will of God."
  David and I talked and prayed about it for two months and eventually felt a peace about trying to conceive on our own (for free) for one month. At the end of it we would re-evaluate and go from there. At the end of November/beginning of December we weren't pregnant but my Endo actually felt okay, so we decided to try one more month and then consider our options. On January 21st, we found out we were pregnant.

  Things started Monday, September 24th, at our weekly appointment. Our midwife, Kathleen, had promised on Friday that she would strip my membranes (separate the bag of waters from the cervix to start the hormones that begin labor) if things hadn't started by then. They hadn't, so we proceeded with more promises that it would be "any time" and the news that Sam had turned his head so that he was posterior and now in a position that was not ideal for birth.
  That evening I had a small amount of bloody show but contractions were still sporadic. Tuesday, the contractions were still all over the place - five minutes apart for an hour and a half, then they'd slow or stop for an hour or two...rinse and repeat. So that afternoon David and I went to the mall and walked for a couple hours, walking up and down every escalator we passed (and stopping in every bathroom to pee), until I couldn't walk through the contractions anymore, which had gone from five minutes apart for two hours to four minutes apart. We went home and Kathleen told me to take a hot bath, drink a little wine and go to sleep around 7pm. The contractions stayed regular and strong enough that I was only able to sleep for about two hours through the whole night. So the next afternoon (Wednesday), Kathleen had us come in to the birthing center to check my progress. Since Monday I had only dilated from 1cm to 2cms. We were told to go home, stay off my feet and "try not to make things happen."

  You want to see frustrated? Try telling a 39-weeks-and-5-days pregnant woman to not try to make labor happen. We went home and I spent the rest of day trying to only sit on the couch or lie in bed, overwhelmed by the contractions and thoughts that labor was never going to really happen. Unfortunately, at this point people who were not familiar with my entire pregnancy started trying to give me advice, the most popular of which was "first babies are almost always late!" This might merely frustrate most pregnant women at that point, but for someone who had been having false labor for three months, this made me want to punch those women in the face. (I'm sorry, I know you meant well, but that's how I felt...feel.)

  So I spent the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday relaxing as much as possible. But around 3pm on Thursday (the day before my due date), my contractions started up again at 6 minutes apart and stronger than before. They lasted like this until we left for our homegroup that evening at 7:00, where they slowed slightly. Around 10:00, however, after we were home they had regulated again to 5 minutes apart. By midnight they had been 4 minutes apart for an hour and a half. I called Kathleen, who again told me to take a bath and drink some wine and call her in about two hours. At 1:30am, the contractions were 3 minutes apart and much stronger, so Kathleen said she was on her way to come check me. We also called our doula and friend Crissi at that point to tell her we thought things were really, really happening this time. (Though at this point I had no small amount of trepidation that this was still going to be false labor, even though I felt like this was the real deal this time. It just felt different.) I turned on my worship music playlist on my iPod and David started cleaning the apartment, preparing for people to come over.
  Unfortunately, because of the position little Mister was in, I was having intense back labor at this point. With each contraction I started to feel more and more nausea from the pain. Crissi arrived around 2am just as I had finished throwing up for the first time, hunched over the toilet and having a contraction. I'm pretty sure I've never looked hotter. God love her, when I was able to move to the bedroom again she pushed her fists into my lower back while I sat on my yoga ball. This would end up being the only thing that would relieve the pain slightly. Kathleen, who arrived about three minutes after Crissi, had me labor for about thirty minutes on the ball and then checked my progress. I was between 2 and 3cms, and Kathleen forced me to a complete 3. (This made the bloody show really begin. Kathleen told me later that she thinks that all of the previous blood I had seen had just been from my cervix and/or uterus' trauma from my previous surgery.) I asked Kathleen, "This is really it, right?" I was so afraid after all the other false labor that she would give me bad news this time, too. She replied, however, something along the lines of "That baby is coming, one way or another!" And I labored. I labored for a while on the ball and then Kathleen had me move to the bathtub, hoping that the water would help me relax and progress. After about an hour in the tub I think I was moved back to the bed where she checked me again. I hadn't progressed beyond 3cms. At around 5:30am, Kathleen decided to head home to try to nap, I think told Crissi to do the same, and told me to drink some more wine and try to sleep. She told us before leaving that she would call to check on us in the morning, but she didn't think things would really get going until around 2pm at the rate I was going. They laid hands on me and prayed that Sam would turn his head soon and that my labor "would progress quickly" and then left.
  So David and I tried to settle in for what would become the hardest few hours of my life.