Le Miserable

  It's 9:15pm and The Toot is already in bed. Don't worry, folks, he'll wake up again in thirty minutes and let me know he's not quite done eating for the night.

  It was a rough day. After praising my son publicly - not boasting or bragging, but truly just appreciating - all weekend on how "well" he was doing with teething, he decided to show me. Still no fever, no runny nose, but a buttload of whining. And fussing. And demanding to be held. Held. Held. HELD.
  Chewing on my hand wouldn't suffice. Cold things are a no-no (so I guess we're not really desperate yet, are we?). Oragel and natural remedies did nada. And boy, don't even get me started on the drool.
  To add insult to injury, David and I agreed to cut off our Cable (goodbye, Time Warner devil-people!) after deciding it was an unnecessary expense - and they cut it off today. In the middle of the day. With my baby crying, and demanding to be held and thereby eliminating my ability to find entertainment elsewhere. The horror!

This is The Toot falling asleep mid-cry

  Also, he's apparently hit a growth spurt, so mama couldn't keep up with the boy's appetite. The kid's a hoss.

  BUT
  I did three loads of laundry. I changed the sheets. I put away groceries that had been sitting out since yesterday (judge me - I dare you). I made a Pinterest recipe - with a baby wrapped around me. And (cue the angels singing) I scrubbed the tub! Feeling guilty for judging me now, aren't you?

2 Months: Eesh!

  How do other moms blog regularly?? The first eight weeks with the Bean have been an adventure in trial and error. Even now, I'm writing this in a rush - the Bean just went down for the night and I want to capitalize on the opportunity for me to sleep as much as possible, too! (I'm also trying to eat cookies while typing - not working out well.)

  Our first night was a doozy. It wasn't until 4:30am that I finally realized that Sam would only stay asleep if he was on Mommy's chest. Not surprising, but there was quite a bit of sleep lost by everyone. Once we figured that out, it got a little bit easier. Sam continued to only sleep on Mommy for the first three weeks, though. Oy. God bless my mom, "Mima", for buying us a swing which helped to slowly get Sam to sleep on his own. He's now sleeping for a 5 to 8 hour block for the first part of the night, then every 3 hours.
  Also, around week 4 our Bean decided to go on a nap strike. No naps, no way, no how for the next three weeks. He would sleep only 20-30 minutes at a time during the day, three or four times a day. One day we were up for 14 hours straight, with only four 20-minute cat naps. It was awful. I couldn't even put him down to eat. It also became increasingly difficult for me to keep up with his feedings because I wasn't getting a break to "refill."
  I also had to start adding cereal to Little Bit's bedtime feeding - and nap time now - in order to get him to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. And what a difference it made! The first night, he slept for five hours for the first time and got progressively longer. He also was SO much happier during the day! Apparently Sam takes after his Uncle Robbie - if he's awake, he's hungry. And my milk supply is pretty good! When we started supplementing a little bit with goat's milk here and there we got even better!

  Now, eight and a half weeks later, we're in a challenging but fun place. Sam wants to be held 24/7, which is very difficult - and preferably by Mom or Dad. Using my Moby wrap around the house (which I finally bought myself two weeks ago) has helped some. Often times, though, when I put him in it, he smells me and seems to 'remember' he's hungry. The Baby Bjorn, however, is a huge help when we're out and about! (THANK you, Rachel!)
  He's also now in a cuddly stage, which is a blast. When I hold him now he will wrap one arm around me and hold onto my hair with his other hand. He'll stroke and rub me with his little hands while he's eating.
  It was also fascinating to watch him realize this morning while we were lying in bed together that his hand is attached to him. He then proceeded to poke me in the eye about 50 times.

  And now, because I vented, I'm going to brag. Sammy is STRONG. He was able to hold his head up for several seconds when he came out, and now loves to sit up and stand with assistance. I know every parent thinks their child is very smart and advanced, but it's been a blast to read about milestones and see that Sammy is advanced in most of them. He's already opening his hands all the time, trying to start grabbing things, and loves to sit and stand for several minutes at a time (all of which are 3-month milestones). He also loves to babble and smile and is starting to laugh (I think). He turns his head toward Mommy's voice and is following objects and people with his eyes. We love our smart, strong boy!

  As far as adjusting goes, I think we're almost there! Ha! David is learning to help when he's home (which is not as often as we'd like because he's working so hard for us), and Sammy always gives him a big smile when he gets home from work which I think warms my heart more than his. Seeing David take over the role of father so quickly has been amazing. It has been so amazing - our love for Sammy has grown our love for each other and made our marriage even stronger.
  I've also been amazed by God's timing. Just when I think I can't do it anymore, someone will volunteer to come help me or Sam will smile at me for no good reason, at 3am, when he should be sleeping. Each night I pray for the grace, strength and rest I will need for the next day. I seem to get just enough of the first two..most of the time. And it only took me 19 hours to complete this!

  

The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part III

  **Warning: This contains all the details of Sam's birth. If you do not want all the details, do not read this.**

  By the time I was told to start pushing I was so utterly exhausted from the back labor - which had decreased significantly after Sam turned his head, and then again when I started pushing - that I couldn't even hold up my legs. I was lying on my back and David and Crissi had to hold up my legs for me each time it was time to push, while I curled my chin into my chest. Shortly after beginning to push I had to throw up for the third time. I really don't know how I had anything left in me at that point, but poor Crissi had to hold the bowl for me while I was heaving on the bed.
  After a little bit of pushing, they rolled me over onto my left side to try pushing from that position. This was a little bit more frustrating for me, though, because then I had to curl my right leg up into my chest and this not only required lifting my leg (which I could not do) but also holding it to my chest (which I could not do). So after a little bit in that position they rolled me back over onto my back, which was much easier. After one particularly long contraction, I got very light-headed and told everyone that I might pass out. Kathleen suggested a spoonful of honey - which I don't like - but I tried it anyway. It was silly, but I was actually proud of myself in that moment for trying the honey that I knew I didn't like for me and the baby. Crissi was amazing and got a bunch of damp wash cloths that she put on my forehead and neck and would change out whenever they got warm again. (At, I think, Kathleen's suggestion, they were kept on an ice pack in between rounds.) Those damp washrags were immediately a huge relief. I just laid there, relishing a break between contractions and the rags.
  Somewhere in this time - sometime between 9:45 and 10am - my mom came in. She had made the 50-minute drive in 35 minutes. Things started to get foggy around that time but I do remember her coming in and coming to my bedside, taking Crissi's spot, and kissing my forehead.

  The pushing contractions were actually super easy for me to handle - pushing was just extremely difficult because of my body's exhaustion. I remember hating feeling a contraction coming on because I was just so tired at that point, but the pain was completely managable. In between contractions I would literally just completely collapse as soon as they were done. Crissi tried to offer to prop me up or adjust me a couple times because I was too tired to even position myself so that I wasn't falling off my pillows, but I didn't want her to because I just didn't care about it. I remember thinking at one point, with my head hanging off the left side of my pillows at an odd angle, this is mildly uncomfortable... but being too tired to do anything about it.
  Kathleen was also making Crissi make me drink in between contractions, which was so frustrating for me. Crissi and I actually laughed about it two weeks later. She apparently could tell how frustrated I was and hated having to ask me to take those drinks. I, in turn, hated having to drink - again simply because of my sheer exhaustion and not wanting to spend energy on anything in between contractions - but didn't put up a fight because I knew I had to be severely dehydrated by that point. I, again, did it only for Sam. While laughing about it with her, I told her though, "I think if I could have growled at you I would have!"

  As we got closer to the end, the pushing became SO hard. I was so incredibly spent. I actually hid two contractions because I just didn't want to push! I just laid there, trying to look relaxed while everyone talked around me, hoping that Kathleen wouldn't notice and make me push more. Ha!
  I was having trouble even tucking my chin to my chest so my Mom and David would push me forward with each contraction while pulling my legs up for me. Lisa would monitor Sam's heartbeat every few minutes, always saying that he sounded good. Everyone was so encouraging, telling me how great I was doing - and all I could think was, I'm sure they say the same thing to every woman in labor.
  With each push it became harder for me to hold my breath, so I ended up grunting a lot. David told me later that he was incredibly frustrated, remembering all of our coaching on remaining "open" and relaxed and envisioning myself "opening like a flower." I have told him I am thankful for his wisdom and ability to not say any of this in those moments.
  Finally, Kathleen said she could see Sam's head. Someone asked if I could see it and I just wanted to laugh - like I could see anything over my belly! Crissi offered to get a mirror, but as I was shaking my head I think Kathleen said there wasn't enough time anyway. She told David he'd better get down there quickly. With one last long push (that ended with a grunt turning into almost a scream), after an hour and ten minutes of pushing, at 10:48am Sam's head came out - followed immediately by his shoulder and the rest of his body. He was 8 pounds 3 ounces and 21 inches long. She passed him to David, who laid him on my chest. He immediately started crying, and Kathleen said he had passed meconium in the sac during the delivery and suctioned out his mouth and nose.
  I just laid there, shaking and laughing and crying, saying hello to my beautiful son. He was so warm and wet and so much bigger than I thought he'd be! He was amazing. I laughed as he easily put his thumb in his mouth and wondered if he'd been doing that the whole time he was in the womb. I just couldn't believe how perfectly formed he was - and how much he looked like David. It was the most incredible high, lying with him there.
  After only about five minutes Kathleen announced that the cord had stopped pulsing and moved Sam so that my Mom could cut it. Then they wiped him off a little and put him back on my chest. Kathleen then said that it was time to deliver the placenta. The act of pushing it out was hard, but delivering it actually didn't hurt at all - it just felt warm and wet - until Lisa pushed down on my abdomen to help force it out. I noticed kind of through a fog that Kathleen looked concerned and she said something about my bleeding. Then she looked at me and said she wanted to give me a shot of Pitocin because I was bleeding too much. I asked - of all things - if it would hurt. She said it might sting a little; I honestly can't remember feeling it at all.
  All of the family came in then to see us. David's parents and sister had gotten there about fifteen to twenty minutes after my mom, and my Dad walked in the door as Sammy was crowning. Then Kathleen asked everyone to step out so they could clean us up.

  She then looked at me and said that I had torn (which explained the pain at delivery) and that she would need to stitch me up. After laboring, I barely felt the stitching. There was some slight stinging from the Lidocaine and I felt a little pulling here and there, but I was holding my baby and it didn't matter. She kept apologizing for hurting me and I kept saying I was fine. I asked her a little bit after she finished how big a tear it was and she said it was a partial third degree tear, with an additional first degree tear in another spot that she let heal on its own. She had to put in fourteen stitches.
  Then Kathleen fixed up an herbal bath for Sam and I to take together. It was hard sitting in the tub - all of my muscles hurt and I was pretty swollen - but it was such a sweet moment. I just held my little boy in the water and David sat beside the tub with us. After Sammy and I were cleaned and dried, the grandparents all came in again and got to hold him.

  All in all, it was not the birth I had expected - but I'm still glad that we had our home birth. The back labor was awful - but that was because our Bean had decided to be posterior the last week of his residency in Mommy. I have no doubts that if his head had been facing the right direction my labor would have been much easier. On a scale of 10, my pain was a 12; but 70-90% of it was all felt in my back. I think the contractions themselves would have been completely manageable otherwise.
  Additionally, I was apparently in transition - the most difficult and painful part of labor - most of the time. Dilating 6 cms in two and a half hours is very uncommon for a first labor. Everyone was shocked. I also think I would have been better able to handle the pain mentally had I known that's what was happening in my body. But after three months of false labor, followed by nearly a week of much stronger false labor, I don't at all blame Kathleen or Crissi for thinking that I was going to need more time and trying to go home to rest. (I am frustrated with myself for letting David sleep though - if I hadn't decided to try to manage it on my own it might have been easier, too.)
  The tear, for those who have asked/wondered/cringed, has actually been surprisingly manageable! Sitting was very uncomfortable for the first week, but a lot of that was swelling, too. My muscles were incredibly exhausted and sore from the entire labor. And while tearing had been one of mine and David's greatest fears in labor (based on some of the stories I had heard from friends), the most I have felt from it besides general mild irritation is itching now that it's healing. I have been exceedingly grateful that it hasn't bothered me in having to go to the bathroom at all and I haven't felt any severe pain from my tear.
  So for those who have or wanted to ask if I would do the same thing again the answer is: YES. Even though I was in such intense pain, I am grateful that I was in that pain in a safe and quiet environment. Had I gone to the hospital, I very likely would have been put on a Pitocin drip to expedite my progress (which would not have been necessary) because I didn't change for almost six hours, which would have made my pain even worse. I would have then had to have an epidural, which I didn't ever want. I also would have most likely  had to fight very hard to avoid the eye drops, immunizations, etc., which were not a part of my plan for my child. More than anything though, I would not have had the supportive birth team that I had. Kathleen, Crissi, Lisa, David and my Mom were an amazing support. I felt safe at all times, I felt encouraged at all times, I felt empowered even in my desperation because I had a group of people who were telling me I was doing amazingly well and that I could keep doing what I was doing. I was surrounded by peace and love and strength, and I - with tears in my eyes now - thank God for that. To be quite honest, I realize now what a blessing it was to not be rescued by medical intervention in my labor. It is incredible to know what I went through and to know that I can do that! And it is an additional blessing to have my husband know what I went through, and how hard it was, and to have him constantly encouraging and thanking me for doing that. And hopefully the next time, my child will not turn their head like Sammy did, since that was really the root of all my pain.

  It was hard - the hardest thing I hope to ever do in my life. But it was beyond worth it. And now, as I have begun to recover, I am exceedingly grateful that we had our homebirth and resting in the knowledge that everything happened exactly as God intended them to. And we could not be more grateful for the outcome.

The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part II

  **Warning: This contains all the details of Sam's birth. If you do not want all the details, do not read this.**

  So at around 5:30am, Kathleen and Crissi left us to try to rest. I called my mom for the second time (I had called her at 1:30am to let her know Kathleen was on her way and to be "on alert") and told her that  it was just early labor right now and we would call her again when that changed and she could head our way. David poured me some more wine and we turned off the lights and music and tried to sleep. Well, I tried to sleep. David passed out immediately.
  About thirty minutes after they left, my contractions got intense. As each one would hit, I would start moaning and David would wake up enough to push his fists into my lower back as hard as he could while we were both lying in bed. I was feeling at least 70% of each contraction in my back because of Sam's position. With each contraction I also felt more and more nausea because of the level of pain. I promptly threw up the wine I had tried to sip about ten minutes after Kathleen left. The pain became to awful, so incredibly, unbearably intense that I couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't relax, couldn't tense up, couldn't find anything or any position to make the pain manageable. It felt like it just kept building up and building up...
  Sometime around then (about 6am) I posted on facebook that I was in labor and begged prayers for Sam's head to turn. I remember several times praying between contractions, Please, God, just let this next contraction be less painful. Please, let  this next one not be as bad. Two or three times, God answered that prayer for me. The rest of the time was just dark pain. I had read stories of women going to this dark place in their labor, had heard women say that this could be a deeply spiritual place - but in those hours, I could not think through the pain at all. I just kept thinking in the in-between that if this is early labor, I can not handle active labor. I was terrified of the pain increasing; I couldn't fathom it.

  At 8am I handed David my phone and asked him to call Kathleen and, "Tell her I can't do it anymore." I thought that I was going to have to go to the hospital and have him cut out of me. I just could not handle the pain anymore. The only thing that had kept me from telling him to drive me to the hospital in those hours was the knowledge that if we went, I would absolutely not get to have the delivery I wanted, would not get my skin-to-skin contact, would have to fight them on not putting the eye drops in his eyes and not immunizing him. The timing of the contractions was irregular - sometimes three minutes apart and then five and then two - but I was at my limit. Plus, I noticed through the haze that all of my pelvic muscles were starting to push down and I couldn't really fight it. Kathleen suggested we go to my chiropractor and try to see if she could adjust me and turn his head and then we could go to the birthing center for an injection of pain medication. She said to call her if my water broke or I started to feel "pushy". I told her I had felt pushy for the last five contractions. At this point I started thinking of my Aunt Lynn, whom my mom had told me had felt the urge to push during her entire labor with all three of her pregnancies, and became even more afraid that I would suffer through this same experience. I was just lying in bed imagining how horrible labor would be stuck in a car, unable to change positions at all when Kathleen called back two minutes later. Apparently she had been on the phone with her assistant and realized "She sounded different!" She asked David if I was what she was hearing in the background. (It was right around this time that a contraction hit that was so hard that I practically levitated off the bed and onto all fours in an effort to find some position that didn't make me want to die.) When he said yes, she said she was on her way.
  Within ten to fifteen minutes of his getting off the phone again, I suddenly cried out - Sam had turned his head (which was incredibly painful). I feebly prayed that it was the right direction as another contraction hit. I would later go back through my text messages and facebook and realize that it was around 8am that most of my friends and family began responding to my request for prayer and started lifting us up.

  Kathleen arrived some time between 8:30 and 9am, saying she "flew" all the way to us. She immediately came in and turned on her Dopler to listen to Sam's heartbeat. She put it on my belly where he had been before...and then lowered it....and then lowered it some more before finding it. "Oh, that baby's dropped," she said. "We're having a baby!" She then set up the bed to check my cervix; this was the moment I had been dreading. I was sure she would tell us I was only 5-6cms and I didn't know how I would be able to handle that news. Praise God, I didn't have to. Kathleen looked up at me with a shocked smile and said, "Holy cow, girl! You're at 9[cms]!" I had dilated 6cms in just over two hours; David and I had gone through all of active and transitional labor by ourselves (with him trying to sleep through it!) and now it was time to push!
  I looked over at David and told him he needed to call my mom. I still smile remembering David telling her I was at 9cms and hearing my mom shout, "Why didn't you call me?!" through the phone. David tried to explain that we hadn't known! I then told him he should call his parents too and tell them to head over, since things were progressing so quickly. I remember staring at the ceiling and thinking, God will have here whoever is supposed to be here, even though my plan was to have both of my parents in our room for the delivery.
  Sometime shortly after this, Crissi walked in - oh, thank God for Crissi. And shortly after that - I think around 9:30 - Kathleen's assistant, Lisa, arrived in a rush. And then it was time to push.

The Birth of Samuel Levi, Part I

  *Warning: all of the birth details are in this blog. If you don't want all of the details, don't read this.**

  Let me preface all of this by saying, for those who don't know about our little miracle, that one year ago David and I were told that we would not be able to get pregnant on our own. It had been a year and a half since my surgery which diagnosed me with Endometriosis, I had just switched OB/GYN's, and my new doctor shocked me with the news that my Endo was stage 4 - something my previous OB/GYN and surgeon had neglected to tell me. We were told that it was "too dangerous" for me to go off of my birth control because the hormones were needed to try to keep the Endo at bay. We were also concerned that David might have some issues, and so we were advised to go first to a specialist for David and then for me to see an infertility specialist before we even considered "trying."
  We did go see the doctor for David in October, who, after an initial test and exam, wanted to perform a $450 test to see if there were any issues.
  Around the end of the month, "coincidentally", in our new homegroup, the ladies laid hands on me and prayed for my body - not that we would be able to have a baby, but simply that "every cell in [my] body would be aligned with the perfect will of God."
  David and I talked and prayed about it for two months and eventually felt a peace about trying to conceive on our own (for free) for one month. At the end of it we would re-evaluate and go from there. At the end of November/beginning of December we weren't pregnant but my Endo actually felt okay, so we decided to try one more month and then consider our options. On January 21st, we found out we were pregnant.

  Things started Monday, September 24th, at our weekly appointment. Our midwife, Kathleen, had promised on Friday that she would strip my membranes (separate the bag of waters from the cervix to start the hormones that begin labor) if things hadn't started by then. They hadn't, so we proceeded with more promises that it would be "any time" and the news that Sam had turned his head so that he was posterior and now in a position that was not ideal for birth.
  That evening I had a small amount of bloody show but contractions were still sporadic. Tuesday, the contractions were still all over the place - five minutes apart for an hour and a half, then they'd slow or stop for an hour or two...rinse and repeat. So that afternoon David and I went to the mall and walked for a couple hours, walking up and down every escalator we passed (and stopping in every bathroom to pee), until I couldn't walk through the contractions anymore, which had gone from five minutes apart for two hours to four minutes apart. We went home and Kathleen told me to take a hot bath, drink a little wine and go to sleep around 7pm. The contractions stayed regular and strong enough that I was only able to sleep for about two hours through the whole night. So the next afternoon (Wednesday), Kathleen had us come in to the birthing center to check my progress. Since Monday I had only dilated from 1cm to 2cms. We were told to go home, stay off my feet and "try not to make things happen."

  You want to see frustrated? Try telling a 39-weeks-and-5-days pregnant woman to not try to make labor happen. We went home and I spent the rest of day trying to only sit on the couch or lie in bed, overwhelmed by the contractions and thoughts that labor was never going to really happen. Unfortunately, at this point people who were not familiar with my entire pregnancy started trying to give me advice, the most popular of which was "first babies are almost always late!" This might merely frustrate most pregnant women at that point, but for someone who had been having false labor for three months, this made me want to punch those women in the face. (I'm sorry, I know you meant well, but that's how I felt...feel.)

  So I spent the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday relaxing as much as possible. But around 3pm on Thursday (the day before my due date), my contractions started up again at 6 minutes apart and stronger than before. They lasted like this until we left for our homegroup that evening at 7:00, where they slowed slightly. Around 10:00, however, after we were home they had regulated again to 5 minutes apart. By midnight they had been 4 minutes apart for an hour and a half. I called Kathleen, who again told me to take a bath and drink some wine and call her in about two hours. At 1:30am, the contractions were 3 minutes apart and much stronger, so Kathleen said she was on her way to come check me. We also called our doula and friend Crissi at that point to tell her we thought things were really, really happening this time. (Though at this point I had no small amount of trepidation that this was still going to be false labor, even though I felt like this was the real deal this time. It just felt different.) I turned on my worship music playlist on my iPod and David started cleaning the apartment, preparing for people to come over.
  Unfortunately, because of the position little Mister was in, I was having intense back labor at this point. With each contraction I started to feel more and more nausea from the pain. Crissi arrived around 2am just as I had finished throwing up for the first time, hunched over the toilet and having a contraction. I'm pretty sure I've never looked hotter. God love her, when I was able to move to the bedroom again she pushed her fists into my lower back while I sat on my yoga ball. This would end up being the only thing that would relieve the pain slightly. Kathleen, who arrived about three minutes after Crissi, had me labor for about thirty minutes on the ball and then checked my progress. I was between 2 and 3cms, and Kathleen forced me to a complete 3. (This made the bloody show really begin. Kathleen told me later that she thinks that all of the previous blood I had seen had just been from my cervix and/or uterus' trauma from my previous surgery.) I asked Kathleen, "This is really it, right?" I was so afraid after all the other false labor that she would give me bad news this time, too. She replied, however, something along the lines of "That baby is coming, one way or another!" And I labored. I labored for a while on the ball and then Kathleen had me move to the bathtub, hoping that the water would help me relax and progress. After about an hour in the tub I think I was moved back to the bed where she checked me again. I hadn't progressed beyond 3cms. At around 5:30am, Kathleen decided to head home to try to nap, I think told Crissi to do the same, and told me to drink some more wine and try to sleep. She told us before leaving that she would call to check on us in the morning, but she didn't think things would really get going until around 2pm at the rate I was going. They laid hands on me and prayed that Sam would turn his head soon and that my labor "would progress quickly" and then left.
  So David and I tried to settle in for what would become the hardest few hours of my life. 

Week 36.5: Whew! We've made it!

  We had our weekly appointment with Kathleen (midwife) today and finally got good news! After telling me that she thought that "real" labor would be completely different for me, and that I would know when I was really, really in active labor, she checked me and announced that I am almost completely thinned out and 1cm dilated! And the angels rejoiced! After feeling since Sunday that Sam would probably come in the next two weeks* (max), it was such a blessing to be affirmed. More than anything, it makes the pains I'm having now much more manageable since I know the time really is finally near.

  Consequently, I've apparently worked my last day. I had to call in today as the closer I got to work the closer together my contractions were. Praise God, my boss was very understanding and even reassuring! It feels a little bit like I had the rug pulled out from under me, not knowing that last Friday was my last day working, but I'm also very glad to have the extra time to put our new home in order.

  David and I can't believe that we really are about to meet our little man. We are so thankful that very soon we won't have to imagine any longer what he looks like. Holding him in our arms seems like a dream (especially since my belly is so large now it has its own gravitational pull).

  So now we wait and pray and rest in God's perfect timing. We (I) appreciate prayers especially for the upcoming labor, that it would be manageable and swift and, above all, a time of peace and worship for our family.

*For those of you throwing showers for me in the next two weeks, believe me: Sam and I have had talks. Little Bit takes after his father, though, apparently and seems to already have a flare for the dramatic. It's out of my hands and in God's. (And if I find someone praying he waits, I will hunt them down, hang them by their toenails from the tallest tree and pelt them over-ripe peaches.)

Reason Why I Love My Husband #453

  This month in our 4-year-old class at Providence Kids our memory verse has been Matthew 12:34: "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." This past Sunday being our second week with this verse, we were really trying to find ways to make the verse 'click' for the kids. Have you ever tried to explain the word "overflow" to a four-year-old? My sweet husband blew me away with the example he shared with our 4's class. (And I did get his permission to share this.)

  Last week was a rough week for the Franklin household. I was freaking out about our upcoming move and the lack of packing that had yet occurred (and becoming increasingly frustrated by the amount of contractions I was having and their slight increase in strength) and David was tired from working two jobs and sacrificially sleeping on the couch so that I didn't have to deal with his snoring. He was cranky; I was fragile and weepy.

   So David starts trying to explain overflow and how the heart affects the mouth during snack time. This is what he says (I'm tearing up again already):

  "Overflow of the heart" means that what is in your heart comes spilling out. And this verse is saying that what is in your heart will come out your mouth in your words. Have you guys ever had that happen? Like, when your heart isn't good, bad things come out of your mouth? 

  See, this week my heart wasn't in a very good place. My heart was pretty bad. And I said some things to Miss Emily that made her cry. The bad in my heart came out of my mouth and hurt Miss Emily. And when I saw her crying, I realized that my heart was not good and it needed to change - because I don't want to make Miss Emily cry. I love my wife, and when I saw that my heart had made me say words that had hurt her, I realized that my heart needed to change - because what is in my heart will come out in my words.

  Now, I'm honestly not sure if that connected completely with our class full of four-year-old's. I'm pretty sure I saw what might have been comprehension dawn on a few faces - but then, my vision was a little cloudy trying to keep back more tears. My husband's ability to not only admit to me that he was wrong, but his decision to be vulnerable and open and willing to use his mistakes to teach 7 preschoolers absolutely awed me. It has made me thank God for reminding me that even in the tough times He is sovereign and loving. And it once again made my heart overflow with gratitude for the man with whom I am partnered for life and who will be raising up our children. 

Philippians 1:3-4

  First of all, thank you to all the sweet friends who have checked on me in the last week and a half. The text messages, phone calls and conversations asking how Sammy and I are doing have been such a sweet reminder that we are so well cared for.

  We had another bi-weekly appointment today and things look unchanged, which is good-ish news. Sam is very low (already a -2 instead of the normal -4 at this point in a pregnancy) but my cervix is still closed, and since we're "getting so close" to when he can safely come, my midwife doesn't think it's the time to take drastic measures (meds). I have been using a Progesterone cream twice a day on top of all my other natural supplements, and that seems to have helped a little. I think.
  I did end up going back to work last week and it has been unfortunately difficult. My first week back I was supposed to work only about 14 hours and ended up working 28. By Thursday (and continuing until Sunday) I was having contractions 4.5 minutes apart for 30 minutes* at least once a day. Ooph. Needless to say I was extremely tired and more weepy than usual - even for the pregnancy! This week has been a little easier, thankfully, but sticking to my guns about working fewer hours is hard - especially for someone who wants to not be a burden and has a difficult time saying 'no.' I appreciate prayers that I would stand my ground and not work more hours next week, even though my help is needed, and that my boss would be accommodating and understanding.
  The plan right now is to work 20ish hours a week through the last week of August, and then begin staying at home.

  On the home front, we have signed a lease on a new apartment. While we were hoping to be able to move into a house soon and wanted to be much closer to our families, we finally realized we were trying to rush God's timing and have adjusted (mostly) accordingly. We will be going from our tiny one-bedroom to a two-bedroom that is double the size, literally just feet away from our current home. We are moving into a complex on the other side of ours, owned by the same company; you can see our new building from our current one! Bonus: we are moving from the third floor to the first! A HUGE blessing since we know the stairs have been making my pregnancy much harder. We will start moving in August 19th. While packing in my current condition is overwhelming (as is unpacking, for that matter), I have begun already packing a couple boxes a day to try to ease the process. Not gonna lie. I'm quite proud of the eight boxes I've packed in the last week.

  In fun news, Sammy is doing very well. His heart rate is consistently in the 150's-160's (yes, I had the doctor double-check to make sure he's a he when we went in for the sono two weeks ago), but my midwife assures me this is because he is such an active little boy. I had fun last night putting David's hand on my belly where Sammy was going nuts kicking for about fifteen minutes. David couldn't believe how much he moved and how strong he is! It was wild. I've decided Sam must want to be the next Lance Armstrong...minus the health issues and controversy. He "bicycles" with his little feet and ever-stronger legs at least once a day. I don't think I have any ribs left in place.
  Fun, too, is watching Sam start moving whenever his Daddy reads to us at night. He can be still for quite a while and then as soon as David starts talking, our little Bean perks up and seems to try to hear him. It is amazing and may or may not make the weepy pregnant lady cry on occasion.

  We, again, cannot thank you all enough for your prayers and encouragement. It's hard to believe that we're only just about to get to the really hard parts. Your love has made this journey easier and definitely more special. It has been overwhelming to me to find out how many people are checking in on us and following my updates online. Now, before I start crying again, I'm gonna end this one. We love you!

David, Em, Sam

*For those who don't know, contractions 4-5 minutes apart (depending on your provider and the time of day) for an hour is "real" labor.

Answers..Kind of....Sort of...Not really?

  We saw Kathleen (our midwife) again yesterday and finally got some good news. The results from the fetal fibrinectomy were received yesterday and the results were negative. This means I have only a 5% chance of going into preterm labor in the next - well, week now. (This test can be performed every two weeks as necessary to see whether things chance.) This, coupled with how good my cervix looked, makes my midwife think I still have a low-risk pregnancy, which is great.
  At the risk of sounding ungrateful for this good news, however, I unfortunately am still frustrated. We have no definite answer as to why I am contracting so much. More frustrating still is the fact that Kathleen can't really give us much guidance in what to do except to "take it easy." I am not to exercise, walk much, lift anything. I have no clear cut answer on how many contractions is too many contractions. I am officially off of bed rest, but have to take each day carefully and cautiously.
  Our best guess at this point is that because of my Endometriosis and Adenomyosis I have an "excitable uterus." My cervix is good for now, but if I push myself too hard that could change. Or we could, as Kathleen was so kind to point out, go to 42 weeks constantly contracting and never going into active labor. I know David was frustrated by me last night as we left Kathleen's office because we had gotten the best news possible for our situation and all I could focus on was non-stop contractions for the next 10 weeks.
  Additionally, Kathleen couldn't really give me an answer about going back to work. She said the ideal would be for me to stay home (duh) and rest as much as possible. If I do go back to work, then I can only sit at my desk (no rooming patients, which is a big part of my job), and then if I am in too much pain I need to go home. I am still waiting to hear whether my employer is okay with any of that.

  So that's where we are right now. David is relieved. I am thankful and frustrated by the lack of direction. Sammy is kicking harder than ever. I cannot thank everyone enough for the amount of prayers, encouragement and offers for help we have already received. I definitely felt the prayer coverage last week in the amount of peace I felt in waiting. I plead now for your prayers for peace with the answers we have received, as they were not quite what I was expecting. I ask for prayer that my job situation would be resolved quickly - whatever that outcome may be. I beg for prayers for discernment in my daily activities and to know when to stop and rest. Not knowing whether I can or should clean my home or cook is extremely frustrating. I ask for prayers for strength and grace in the contractions; after two weeks the pain is already wearing on me.
  Again, with words much more simple than what our hearts feel, we thank you.

David, Emily and Sam

The Waiting Game

  Bed Rest: Day 6. Time to update - as much of an update as we have right now.

  On Wednesday (our third anniversary), David and I went to see my midwife's consulting physician. After talking for a minute, the doctor recommended a fetal fibrinectomy (read what that is here) and/or a sonogram to check my cervix. The test, he said, would show either a negative result which means that I only have a 5% chance of going into preterm labor in the next two weeks or a positive, which would then mean a 50% chance of going into preterm labor in the next two weeks. After learning that the test was non-invasive for the baby, we decided that we wanted both.
  The sono showed that my cervix looked good on the inside, was at least 3 1/2 centimeters thick and had no funneling, so the doctor didn't think that sending the test off to the lab was even necessary - until I told him exactly how much I have been contracting. He said that even though my cervix looked good, the fact that I was having up to ten contractions an hour when active was abnormal - though he said he would be surprised, based on the sonogram, to see a positive result from the test. He would send the results over to our midwife the next day.
  David and I left encouraged, hopeful that we would receive a negative result on the fetal fibrinectomy although unsure what that meant for my contractions. We enjoyed a nice lunch at Olive Garden, hit two 7-11's in our anniversary tradition, and then put me back in bed.
  Late Thursday afternoon I called Kathleen to see if she had received the results yet from the doctor's office. She hadn't, so I called the doctor; they hadn't received the results back from the lab. They would "hopefully" have them in on Friday. When I mentioned that Kathleen doesn't keep Friday office hours, they assured me that they would fax them over to the office and call Kathleen's cell phone, should they come in. They didn't. When I asked their office why a test that was supposed to take 24 hours hadn't been received yet, I was told "the lab must be backed up."

  And so David and I have been relegated to going back to the original plan of waiting until Monday afternoon to see Kathleen again to have any answers. I have been frustrated by this - since I feel we were given some false hope on Wednesday - but am still managing to find peace and understanding. I have remained more patient, in fact, than David has which is highly unusual. I truly believe that my peace with this has only come from the prayer coverage we have right now, and so I again thank you.
  I am still averaging 2-5 contractions and hour in bed, am still guaranteed at least one contraction whenever I stand even just to go to the bathroom, am still contracting more at night (8 an hour last night for two hours). It seems to David and me that even if the results from the test are good that I will have to remain on bed rest to keep our anxious little boy in me. Several people have suggested that my uterus might be more excitable because of my Endometriosis; we don't know. The doctor said that if the test showed my chances small of preterm labor then I might be allowed to "just contract away" and return to normal activity. Yes, it was a man.
  We are hoping for good news tomorrow with Kathleen - but to be absolutely honest, I don't know what good news is for us right now. I think that I am emotionally prepared to be told I have to stay in bed for at least the next seven weeks, but my body cries out at that idea. I think I am less prepared, actually, for the prospect of being told to return to work and put my body through the stress of constant contractions. I know that David is just wanting an answer one way or another so that he can better know what steps to take for his family and what to expect for us financially.
  So hopefully tomorrow we will have answers - and peace for whatever those answers may be. I cannot thank you all enough for your encouragement, prayers and those (especially) who have stopped by this week. We humbly ask you to continue to pray for peace for us for whatever our outcome is, for health for Sammy (who I am happy to say is still driving his Mommy nuts with his activity level), and that if - God forbid - there is some reason that he should come out early that we would know and be given peace about that. Again, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.

David, Emily and Sammy

Welcome to Week 29: Bed Rest

   I started noticing Braxton Hicks contractions about a month ago and was monitoring them closely. I was only having 2-4 an hour, they were only a 2-3 in pain and didn't usually last longer than a minute. Then a week ago they started coming much more frequently; I was having between 5 and 10 an hour, depending on how active I was. They were a 3-4 in pain and usually lasted about a minute and a half. I spoke to my midwife when they peaked at 10/hour and she told me to stay off my feet as much as possible, take more magnesium and drink lots of fluids. If they peaked that high again I was to go into the nearest hospital for observation. I had my monthly appointment already scheduled with her for the 9th, so we didn't schedule one sooner. I thankfully had the week off after Tuesday, so I took it as easy as possible, spent almost all of Friday and Saturday in bed, and was only having contractions 3-4 times an hour as long as I was down, and 4-6 if I stood for more than fifteen minutes.
  At my appointment yesterday with my midwife, Kathleen, she wasn't concerned and told me I should be able to go back to work fully, no problems as long as the contractions didn't double in number or in pain, until she checked my cervix. She said I was at a -2 station (which is fine) and that my cervix was closed but  was 50% thinner than it should be. Instead of being 1/2-1" thick, it's only 1/4". 
  I'm scheduled for a sonogram tomorrow at 10am with her consulting physician to check my cervical length to see if maybe it's thicker on the inside than the outside. There's a possibility that this is normal for me, that my previous surgery for my Endometriosis may have caused this somehow, that my tilted uterus may be putting pressure on it - we don't know. I'm very hopeful that tomorrow will give us some answers. 


  For this week at least, I'm on complete bed rest, not even supposed to sit up for more than an hour. I'm taking a lot of calcium and magnesium and red raspberry leaf and nettle to try to calm my uterus. I am fervently praying that I don't have to take any medications (especially since I was told that the one I would most likely be prescribed would cause hot flashes and anxiety as a side effect). More than anything, of course, we just want out little boy to make it inside me to at least 36 weeks safe, healthy and strong. If my contractions peak at 5/hour again, I am supposed to go the hospital for observation. I really don't want to have to do that - more because I don't want any drugs or decisions that could harm my son than for any other reason. 
  We cannot tell you how much we appreciate those of you who are joining in with us in praying. Here are some specific requests we have right now:
For answers: What is causing this? Is it just Braxton Hicks or preterm labor? How long is bed rest necessary? How do we keep our Bean safest?
For peace: We may be losing my income much sooner than we planned and we're moving in the next month.
For discernment: Should we need medical intervention, as this is definitely not in our plans.
For Sam: That he would continue to grow strong and healthy inside Mommy until at least 36 weeks (7 weeks from now) so that we can have a safe and healthy delivery at home.
For our midwife, Kathleen: That God would give her the proper guidance in how best and safest to grow and deliver our little boy.


  Words cannot express how much we love and appreciate each one of our wonderful friends and family and how overwhelmed we are by the offers to help. We love you all so much and consider ourselves immeasurably blessed to have each one of you in our lives. (Great, not I'm crying..) Thank you.


Emily, David and Sam

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

  Week 28 and the third trimester begin today, staring me down with eyes that say, "Enjoy it while you can - we may just put you on bed rest." I have been having persistent and frequent Braxton Hicks contractions since Saturday evening; persistent and frequent (and painful) enough, in fact, that there was concern Sunday that I was going into preterm labor. Much magnesium, fluids and (some) rest later, they have gone back down to "only" 2-4 per hour. Unfortunately they kick right back up when I stand on my feet for more than about ten minutes at a time. 

  Thankfully, this week I was only scheduled to work Monday and Tuesday so I can try to really rest this week and see if they subside more. I have really been wrestling through apprehension about next week and what will happen if they flare back up when I return to a full work week though.

  Add to this stress the fact that we are supposed to be starting to pack to move in a month and a half, and this mama-to-be is fit to be tied. Oh yes, David and I will be temporarily moving into some dear friends' house sometime in August, getting us out of our one-bedroom apartment while we try to buy a house. (We are so very, very grateful for our friends letting us live in their home in this transitional time.)

  Thank God for wonderful friends like Amber, who encouraged me to read Philippians chapter 4 yesterday. 

 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice...The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content... I can do all things through him who strengthens me." - Even, though I pray God forbids it, bed rest.

  David and I cannot believe we are just 12 short weeks away from meeting our little Samuel Levi. So much has to happen between now and when he comes that sometimes we are completely overwhelmed. We are so indescribably thankful for our incredible network of family and friends who are supporting us through this journey. It means more than we can say to know that you are praying with and for us and share in our excitement. We especially covet your prayers as we try to understand what God's plan is for my body and sweet boy and where we will begin our life as a family of 3 together. We love you all.

David, Emily and Sammy